The Incredible Odds of "Home Alone 2" Causing Appendicitis
Numbers tell a Story.
TL;DR
Numbers can be a powerful—and misleading—tool in storytelling.
When I was seven years old, Dad went out of town with my two older brothers for a church function. So Mom spent some special time with me by going out for some greasy pizza and then seeing Home Alone 2 at the dollar theater, where she further loaded me up on snacks. A rare treat.
At least, until later that night when I woke up vomiting. Throughout the next day, the vomit continued. According to satellite imagery, I threw up precisely half of my body weight before my parents decided it was more than a “tummy ache.”
Within an hour of arriving at the hospital, I was prepped for an emergency appendectomy. And a few days later—on my birthday, no less—I was discharged.
So while Home Alone 2’s influence is debatable, the confluence of pizza, popcorn, and candy I consumed probably helped exacerbate the issue. But for years afterwards, I would shock new friends with the tale of how I “went into the hospital when I was seven and didn’t get to go home until I was eight.”
Now, when I’d reveal the secret to the story—that I was only in the hospital for three days total—some people found it funny. Others felt cheated. And still others simply rolled their eyes.
But everyone had a reaction.
And sometimes that’s all a number needs to do—elicit a reaction.
Still, numbers can be tricky in storytelling. Politicians and news outlets have been playing fast and loose with numbers ever since Julius Caesar said “Et 2, Brute?” (Or something like that.)
And since numbers rarely tell the whole story, there’s a few rules guidelines you might want to follow.
Lead with story, not statistics.
Example:
Statistic: “In a 2013 study of 61,000 respondents, the average length of school loan repayment was 21.1 years.”
Story: “Jake graduated in 2013 with a bachelor’s in graphic design. He’ll finally make his last student loan payment just in time to apply for his oldest child’s loans.”
The more specific, the better.
“5,327” is always better than saying “thousands.” “Early in the morning” is less compelling than “2:37 a.m.” My hospital story totally loses its punch when the specifics come out.
Present the number as a shocking or humorous statement.
Example:
“Half of you reading this will close your business within three years. Don’t blame me. Blame the Bureau of Labor Statistics.”
(I’ll let you judge whether that’s shocking or humorous.)
Use a Non Sequitur.
What I love about this one is that numbers are just a prop, not the star of the show. Example:
“Chances of getting appendicitis from watching Home Alone 2 are nearly 0.0%. Unless you’re me. And then the odds skyrocket to 100%.”
I even checked the odds with ChatGPT, and here’s what it had to say: “There’s no known causal link between the antics of Kevin McCallister and your appendix exploding.”
Translation: I beat the odds.
If you got appendicitis after watching Home Alone 2, let me know. We can start a movement together.
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